That's Not FAIR!!!!!!

"Mommmmm, that's not FAIR!"

How many times have I heard that statement? Oh, only about a billion...so far! 

I am always tempted to respond with the stock answer, "Sorry, Honey, but LIFE isn't fair!" 

Like every savvy mother, I know my children don't really care about whether things are fair or not. What they really mean is, "I'm mad because I'm not getting my way." At the root of the "it's not fair" argument is selfishness. "I want what I want when I want it."  I am quick to point out the folly of their reasoning and the source of their misconceptions, but for some reason, there is no change of heart, and the litany of "That's not fair" continues.

After 21 years of motherhood, I am seeing some patterns emerge. One of the most consistent is this: when I see sinful behavior in my children, it usually mirrors the same sin in my life. Even though I am not hollering, "That's not fair" out loud, in my heart, I often whine to God about all the injustices in my life. But when I look to the Bible, I find that there is no place where it is mentioned that I should expect life to be fair, and fairness is never listed as one of the attributes of God.

Deuteronomy 32:4 says:

He is the Rock, His works are perfect, 
and all His ways are just. 
A faithful God who does no wrong, 
upright and just is He.

Do I really believe His ways are perfect and just, and God does no wrong? In my heart, I know these words are true, but are they a reality in my life? When I am honest, I must admit I often sound like a whiny child crying out to God, "It's not fair...."

The Sermon on the Mount (Matthew, Chapters 5, 6, and 7) teaches us that when we are doing the work of Jesus, there is no time for us to stand up for ourselves. Jesus says we shouldn't be wasting time looking to see if we are being dealt with fairly or justly. When we catch ourselves doing so, it is a sign that we are falling short in our devotion to Him. 

In his classic devotional book, My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers wrote:

"Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. If we look for justice, we will begin to grouse and to indulge in the discontent of self-pity...If we are devoted to Jesus Christ we have nothing to do with what we meet, whether it is just or unjust."

Just like my children cry out for fairness when they don't get their own way, I look for ways to justify my selfish desires. I want to be appreciated. I want to be noticed. I want to be obeyed. I want, I want, I want. Instead of trusting God with all of my heart, I lean to my own understanding. And I imagine my heavenly Father shakes His head in disappointment, wondering when I will truly believe that He is righteous and just and perfect in all of His ways. 

No, life will be never be fair, but God will always be just. As He patiently works in my heart to bring me to a place of peace and rest and contentment, I can relinquish my will to His and devote myself to serving Him. Only when my children see a genuine selfless spirit in me, can I ever hope to see a selfless spirit in them.

Checking In

I had every intention of posting to this blog every Tuesday and Thursday, but then life happened. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of getting Rachel and Nathan off to college and adjusting to the changes that brings to our family. I cannot even begin to say how much we miss both of them. I find myself turning around to say something to one of them, and then having to remind myself that they are 300 miles away from home, living in their dorms, making new friends, going to classes, and venturing forth in another stage of life.

Rachel and Nathan, the week before they left for HSU

Of all the tasks of parenting, this has been the most difficult. I am NOT good at pushing chicks out of the nest. Other parents with more years under their proverbial parenting belts assure me that this will get easier with time, but I just don't see that happening. Even though this is the third year for Rachel to head off to HSU, still there is a gaping hole in our family when everyone isn't here, and it only gets filled when they are back home. And while I must admit that there are certain times when I would like to take a little vacation from certain family members, on the whole, I am most at peace when I have all my chicks gathered together under one roof.

Rachel, one of the HSU Six White Horse Riders

I have spent the weeks since they left grieving and then throwing myself into the flurry of preparations for the upcoming year of home educating the six children still at home. I have been keeping myself busy -- very busy, so I can avoid thinking about how much I miss Rachel and Nathan. I find myself praying -- a lot:

• Lord, give them good roommates.
• Lord, teach them to balance their work, school, and social lives. 
• Lord, let them remain true to their convictions and the things we have taught them. 
• Lord, watch over them and keep them safe. 
• Lord, guard their hearts and minds.
• Lord, lead them to choose their friends wisely.
• Lord, let them see the importance of maintaining a close relationship with You.
• Lord, never let them forget how much we love them.
• Lord, don't let them ever think they could survive without their Mama!

Nathan & I having fun at the Tyler Zoo gift shop

I admit it. My heart is breaking, but God is faithful to comfort me. I am thankful for e-mail and texting and cell phones and Facebook. I am able to keep in touch with them so much better than my parents were able to stay in touch with me. And I have even used my lovely penmanship to write them letters -- you know, with envelopes and stamps!

Soon we will settle into a new routine. It will include church, school, basketball practices, and 4-H activities, as well as all of the work involved with just living life. I will get to the point where opening empty dresser drawers or seeing an empty seat at the table won't bring me to tears. And, hopefully, I will get into the discipline of blogging twice a week...hopefully.

Our Adoption Story: The Pioneers, Part 1

Our Family, Fall of 2009

As I was familiarizing myself with the ins and outs of Blogger, I discovered that I could add a little tagline to my blog title. So, in the spirit of Little House on the Prairie, I dubbed myself a modern day pioneer in transracial and open adoption.

For those of you who don't know our history, we have adopted eight children as infants. Five of our children have African American heritage and one of them is Native American. Our first adoptions were termed "touch adoptions," in that we had letter and photo contact that was filtered through our adoption agency. No identifying information was shared, to the point that one child's birthmom had to use a pseudonym since she has a very unique first name.

The day we became parents to Rachel, April, 1989

Rachel (2) and baby brother, Nathan, Summer of 1991

Fast forward a few years. We were a "perfect family." We had a daughter and a son who were 27 months apart in age. They even looked like us, so no one knew we had adopted them unless we chose to tell our story. As we were having a dinner celebrating our 11th anniversary, Syd and I began sharing what was on our hearts. There was room in our hearts and home for more children, and we just couldn't get away from the nagging feeling that God had other plans for us. We prayed and prayed, and when we knew the Lord's direction for us, we contacted the adoption agency. We knew there were children from minority groups who needed forever families, and we asked the agency if we could be considered for one of these children. It wasn't long before David joined our family. (See post #2)

David's first day as a Newman, July of 1994

Seven months later, we were licensed foster parents, were about to finalize David's adoption, and were a shepherding family to birthmoms who needed a place to stay. We welcomed a birthmom into our family on a Monday afternoon, believing she had about 6 weeks until her delivery. Surprise...less than 36 hours later, she delivered a healthy, full-term baby girl in our living room! After the birthmom returned to her family, the agency asked us to provide foster care for the baby. David was only 7 months old, but we loved babies, especially this one, so we agreed. It didn't take long to fall in love with Miriam.

David, Nathan, and Miriam, March of 1995

Many agencies were moving toward open adoption, but our agency wasn't one of them. When we had the opportunity to adopt Miriam, we jumped at the chance, and thus became our agency's first open adoption in which the birthparent and adoptive parents met, formed a relationship, and mutually agreed to the placement. The details of how God worked in amazing ways to make Miriam a part of our family are material for another post, but let me just say that we serve a mighty God and that the fatherless truly find compassion in Him. (Hosea 14:3)

Syd and Miriam taking a nap, March of 1995

To be continued...